In April of 2017, I began writing fb: a soul's journey. In truth, I had written parts of it since I was thirteen.
As I mention in one of my past life blog posts, The Strangulation of an Eight Year-Old Boy and the Redemption of His Murderer, when I was around twelve or thirteen years old, as puberty hit, I began to have feelings of worthlessness, of hatred of my own weak body, and of want of male companionship with strong boys my own age, mostly for protection and belonging. It wasn't that I desired to have sex with them. Rather, I used sex as an escape to pretend I was like them, with them, and among them. Masturbation was the only pleasurable escape I had.
As a first creative outlet for this, at thirteen years of age, I created a text adventure written in BASIC, where you played a thirteen year-old boy football player, basically like the boys in fb. That little text game became the base of all of my fetishes and fantasies. When I got older and started to write more, I would pen small erotic fiction stories, involving sex and young teenage boys, whether among themselves or with women.
Then, in April of 2017, I started writing what was to become fb. I wrote from chapter one, not having the faintest idea where it was heading. Inspiration came fast and furious, and I refused to censor myself. I allowed myself to write whatever I felt needed to come to light, no matter how detailed, no matter how disgusting, no matter how controversial. I was writing for me, and only for me. I detailed, very explicitly, young boys having sex along with a very exaggerated view of their body odors, which they use as a weapon during football games.
After my Union With Spirit that next month, I continued to write for me, but this time with a notion that perhaps I wouldn't be the only one that would be reading it. However, just as before, I listened to my heart and continued to write uncensored. Whenever I would imagine the disgust on a reader's face, I pushed through, telling myself I was still going to write for me. I felt that it was extremely important to write the book as it was meant to be.
Honestly, I was amazed at the direction the book took. I would get little bits of inspiration - little scenes in my head - and then I'd write them out, even if I didn't know why they were taking place. But once I wrote them, and sometimes not even until I had finished the book, I realized just how amazing and awesome the story had come together.
There were layers, themes, and aspects of the book I didn't even realize until my third or fourth edit. In fact, one didn't even surface until months after I had finished! I'll share it since it's not really a spoiler: There are VERY few times in the book where the main protagonist is without at least one of his teammates. Day or night. I sat with that realization for awhile and actually felt the character's fear of being without them - the loneliness he would feel.
Once I finished the book, I realized why I was actually going to publish it for anyone to read. I had taken the deepest, darkest secrets of myself - things I had been ashamed of all my life - and turned them into an honest, authentic expression of my Soul. And not just any expression, but a physical, tangible expression - in this reality.
And the result of that? I know, deep in my heart, that its publication is proof that I have mastered my soul's growth in this reality. My book, my physical book, is my key to Heaven. It is proof that I am ready to evolve and participate in the next grandest version of myself and reality.
I have no idea what will transpire until then because of what I've done here. I don't know how many copies I'll sell. I don't know who will read it. But I do know that I've done the footwork. I've made a path for myself. The rest is just details.
Next: The Resurrection