From about July 2018 to May 2019, life was pretty much normal. In September, I met one of my best friends in Los Angeles for a spiritual event, hosted by Arn "Zingdad" Allingham. There, the two of us made friends with some amazing people, whom we still keep in contact with. Of course, it was great to see Arn again in the flesh.
A few months later, during a meditation at home, I came in contact with, for lack of a better phrase, my 'twin flame'. As I understand it, a twin flame is a soul that has split from the same Higher Self as you. The reason I call this other soul my twin flame is because I felt, on a very deep level, that this soul and I were both created by Simcha, our Higher Self. And this soul was the older brother in my Strangulation of an Eight Year-Old Boy and the Redemption of His Murderer lifetime.
During this meditation, I found myself, in my mind's eye, sitting in the middle of a circular chalk outline, used for deep meditation purposes. I seemed to be in a remote village, like one might find in a fairy tale or a video game. I knew I wasn't on Earth, at least not during our modern times. There were thatched roof houses to either side of me, and a giant mountain, with its tall, snowy peak, loomed in the distance in front of me.
I found that instead of being in my own body in that circle, I had connected with a twelve year-old warrior boy. His body was strong and, if i remember correctly, had many markings. He had known his entire life that some piece of him was missing - an adult male soul. His elders knew it, and told him that without this piece integrated into him, he would never be a complete warrior. None of the other incarnated adult males in his life would be able to fill this role. The only way to connect with this 'missing piece' of his would be through meditation, and it was up to him whether he wished to seek this piece out.
Well, his missing piece turned out to be me, and my missing piece was him. We knew it as soon as we connected with each other. He had worked for years to heal his own pain, just like I had worked years healing mine, so that we were both whole and complete within ourselves, our own 'souls'. This is what made our connection possible.
The connection didn't last very long, but I do remember showing him an image of video games and telling him that's what boys his age in my reality liked to do. It confused him, and he said something along the lines of, "Why would anyone waste their time pretending to be someone else instead of working to become what they desire themselves?" I didn't have an answer.
After that, I couldn't connect with him anymore. I also felt as if he had some hostility towards me.
In May of 2019, I participated in Arn's month long meditation journey. During which, I found myself ready, willing, and able to love myself unconditionally. That became my mantra for a few weeks, repeating, "I am ready, willing, and able to love myself unconditionally" . Then, after awhile, I started actually declaring, "I love myself unconditionally". No matter what came up, I repeated that to myself.
It was during this time that I felt the soul of my twin flame enter my solar plexus, the place where I had held the most pain and blockage for lifetimes. I could feel him there, seeing if he could make himself home within me. But I got nothing but anger from him. He realized I was the one that murdered his younger brother in that other lifetime, and he still hated me for it.
I refused to hate myself for that, though, still repeating the "I love myself unconditionally" mantra. One of my dear friends that I met at the LA spiritual event advised me to repeat the ancient Hawaiian Ho'oponopono prayer to him: I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you.
And so I did, feeling the love, the remorse, the earnest of the request, and the gratitude with all my heart, directing it towards my solar plexus and my twin flame.
Every time I did, I felt his resolve weaken and his anger alleviate. He knew how sincere I was. At this point, I felt him, in my solar plexus, begin to engage with Simcha, who had taken permanent residence in my heart. My twin flame had already felt one with Simcha, as his creator, and I figured that was enough for him to trust, love, and forgive me as well.
So, my twin flame seemed to integrate himself with me, in my solar plexus chakra. I thought that story was now over.
On the last day of May, during the last day of Arn's month-long meditation practice, I suddenly began choking myself. I literally wrapped my hands around my throat and started choking myself - long enough for me to start gagging. I didn't know why this was happening, but I felt it was important, and I trusted myself enough to allow whatever needed to happen.
Then, afterwards, I acted as if I had a large knife in my hands, and began stabbing myself repeatedly in my solar plexus - over and over - all the while screaming out as if it was real, reenacting some excruciating, soul-crushing pain.
The choking make sense to me, as perhaps I hadn't really forgiven myself for murdering the eight year-old boy in that other lifetime. But the stabbing in the solar plexus ? That was new to me. In my solar plexus, even as I could feel the love of my twin flame, I felt a deep, deep sadness - my sadness.
Immediately after that, I developed a moderate case of gastroparesis, whereby my stomach doesn't empty the food in the normal time. I began to be in lot of pain and discomfort whenever I ate, having severe burning in my chest, bloating, fatigue, and feeling full after only eating a little bit of food. I could only tolerate liquids or easily digestible foods, such as eggs.
Over the month of June, it got worse. Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. I started getting depressed and anxious, not wanting to eat anything. I took all sorts of prescribed medications from doctor visits and even tried acupuncture. Anything to get relief. I knew that sadness within me needed to be healed - needed to come out, but I couldn't force it.
One night at dinner, as I began to eat, my will to even live began to rapidly deplete. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't eat another bite. I couldn't talk. Something was about to burst. I started crying, and soon after I began to wail, being vaguely aware of some lifetime where I slashed my soul and created that rift within me. I could feel the deep, agonizing, burning pain.
Then, the pain moved to my throat, where I found my hand trying to choke myself. I started wailing and sobbing again, this time out of the sheer guilt for choking that boy to death in that other lifetime. I kept repeating how sorry I was. When it was all over, I hardly had any energy to move. I felt better, and thought I had released all that needed to come out. Again, not quite.
A few weeks later, one of my best friends stayed with me for a week, while he worked a promotion. The night he got here, we went out to dinner. I could barely eat anything, and soon I couldn’t even drink water. It felt as if my mind was rejecting anything I put in my body. More than that, I could hardly stand, let alone walk. I thought maybe I should go to the hospital, but earlier that day, I had a phone conversation with another friend, who said the best thing I could do is surrender to what was going on, instead of fighting it. I asked my friend if he would drive my car while I sat in the passenger seat, as I knew I couldn’t drive. Instead of asking him to take me to the hospital, I told him to drive us back to my house, and when we got into the car, I totally surrendered, in my heart, to that pain inside of me. We hardly even made it out of the parking lot before that pain burst open, and I started wailing again, bending over in my seat and burying my head in my hands. I suddenly embodied a soul, of a lifetime I had lived some time ago, awakening from the dead. Literally. I realized I had become a soul that had killed himself with a kitchen knife, stabbing himself over and over in the solar plexus. And this awakening was extremely painful, emotionally, filled with guilt and sadness for what I had done. I started to shout, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I couldn’t help it! I couldn’t get rid of the bad thoughts in my head! They wouldn’t go away!” As I repeated this, I poked at my head. All the way home, my friend remained silent. We sat in my garage for a good ten minutes as I continued to cry. When it finally ebbed, and I became myself again, I realized, once again, that I couldn't run away from my problems. I actually killed myself and awoken in this lifetime, and it felt as if no time had passed at all. It’s like that soul just took a short nap and awoke in a different reality. That entire week I still couldn’t eat much at all. My friends encouraged me to accept, as best I could, what was going on. Then, a few days later, I was watching TV, and some sad scene came on, and I felt myself connected with that soul again, this time feeling his rejection for being alive within me. I started to cry and shout out, “I don’t want to be here! I don’t want to be here!" Then a scene came on the television that depicted a mom mourning her son’s death. I started bawling and felt that the sorrow from that soul’s biological mother, and her absolute abject grief at my suicide. I then kept apologizing to my ‘mom’ for killing myself. I realized that I was fine now, even if I was in a different body. I started telling her that from my heart. I repeated, "I am fine now. I am fine now. I’m alive. I’m here.” I knew I wasn’t alone anymore. I had Simcha and my other souls with me now. And I again apologized for what I did. I then told her I’d tell her in person someday. I then let go of all the ‘bad thoughts’ that had plagued me during that life, at least as best I could, knowing they served no purpose anymore. That’s when I started accepting that I was here again. Alive. And I felt sorrow at what I had done to my other body by slicing it open and inflicting all that pain on it. I could detect the body’s spirit, and I told it that it had done nothing wrong, and that I was so sorry for butchering it. I then asked it to forgive me and let go of its painful manifestation in Scott as it wasn't his fault or responsibility. That the pain didn't belong to him. I was here now and would never leave it or cause harm to it like that again. And I would protect it. I started doing the Ho'oponopono and felt the love and joy I had for that body and put my energy in my solar plexus, where the pain was. I did try to determine if the murder and then the later suicide were during that soul's lifetime, but I have yet to receive an answer. So, I'm not entirely sure.
Anyway, my digestion got better over the next few months, and I could almost go back to normal eating. Then, a few months later, in November of 2019, during another meditation, I felt this tremendous sorrow followed by intense rage. As I went deeper into it, I felt the mother, having spent a lifetime of grief over having lost her son, with absolutely no idea as to why he would kill himself. I felt the absolute, soul-crushing pain of discovering his body, and the rage at him for what he had done. She spent the rest of her life in grief and never ever got over it. I cannot describe the damage it did to her. When I tried to connect with her as her lost son, I suddenly let out this violent scream that tensed up my body so much that it caused a spike of pain to surge throughout my chest. It was as if all my chest muscles suddenly contracted. The pain was excruciating and lingered for a good few minutes. That was the anger from the mom. She told me it was too late for apologizing. It didn’t matter if I was ‘okay’ now or not. She was the best mother she could be, and what I did tore her soul apart. The damage had been done. The only thing I knew to do was to put her in my heart, and when I did, I felt Simcha envelope her, and she disappeared. Maybe she went back to her higher self as well. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the impact of that. I can’t run from my pain, past or present. Suicide doesn’t solve anything, at least for me. It doesn’t take away any pain. Obviously, it just creates more. And I have to deal it at some point. I suppose this current life is that point. It seems most of my past lives are filled with ungodly amounts of pain and sorrow. The effects all of them have had on this life, both physically and mentally, kind of sucks. Not to mention really, really draining. With each part of me I’ve healed, I kept thinking that perhaps that was it. But I keep uncovering more and more layers, as my dear friend in LA said I would. I still get digestive issues here and there, and I try to accept them and see if they can point me to some still uncovered pain. Honestly, it’s tough because I want to feel good in my body. I want a healthy body, and it gets hard to accept when things don’t go as well as I want. I am aware things could be a lot worse, and I do try to be mindful of that.