This was originally written in January 2014.
As I have mentioned in my post about being a solider boy, I have felt trapped, imprisoned, during grade school and through a lot of my jobs as an adult, especially those where I had to be in an office all day, without the freedom to come and go as I pleased.
During the summer of 2013, before I uncovered the solider boy life, I had done a lot of spiritual work, focusing on getting to the root of a lot of pain and suffering I had endured in my life. In August, I decided to delve into these thoughts and feelings of being imprisoned and stuck, allowing them to talk to me.
The process involves being 'detached' from the feelings, as if one is observing them in someone else. This allows me to become aware of the thoughts that generate the feelings, and then delve into those thoughts and see what feelings or thoughts emerge from them. My goal is to try to find what I feel to be the root thought...the one that seems to be the main cause.
This is what I got:
"I give my power away.
Other people get to tell me how to be.
I don't get my powers..no..I refuse them…I am incapable of handling them. Other people need to tell me what to do..other beings get to create for me…I don't deserve to be me to be powerful…I am a powerless child…tell me what to do..tell me what to be…I have to be told what to be and what to do…I don't even get to think about having powers...i am a slave…I am cattle…I exist solely for the use and purposes of others.
I am fuel..I am a puppet…I don't even get to think about why I exist. I don't get to ponder anything. Even thinking about pondering is wrong..illegal…immoral..and I will be wiped away like a bug…and I choose this….
I am NOT
I am NOT
There is NO I AM
There is NO I AM"
That statement, "There is NO I AM" began to repeat itself over and over and over, sending a surge of "Aha!" through me. That's how I knew I had hit the root thought, the belief of there is no God that I am.
What that meant was that I cut myself off from my connection to God. I became a slave to whatever 'higher' authority existed. It didn't matter who or what: My parents, a teacher, a boss, an idea of God born from my own fears. I would always have some authority that would have power over me, no matter where I went or what I did. I did not deserve my own power. Worse than that...apparently in some previous life I had even buried my power to the point of denying it ever existed, by my own fears of punishment.
I felt I had to be in a prison, whether that prison was an office, a school, or even a belief, such as, "I don't deserve the freedom to create my life as I choose", or "God will punish me if I don't follow what I believe He dictates."
So after uncovering this, I then asked why did I turn my back on my own power and Who I truly Am? From what I felt, in my heart, that God to really be?
In a following meditation, I focused on that statement and its origin. I uncovered that this pain was one of absolute betrayal, stemming from a lifetime (ancient Asia, I think) in which I was a male warrior, a fighter, who knew he had potential for great power and had sought to awaken it, to be taught the ways of the masters.
Unlike other meditations which revealed past lives of mine, I felt the presence of another soul, a friend who shared this same ambition. I immediately thought of one of my best friends in this life, someone that I've known for years and share the same ambition of awakening to our true selves. Whether this other warrior was him, I don't know for sure, but I thought it was very interesting that I immediately thought of him when I felt this other presence.
In that life as warrior, the two of us trained with powerful monks, who taught us the secrets of life and the secrets of God. We eventually became powerful warriors with the strength and fighting skills that few could match.
They then sent us to defeat a powerful ruler that had used his army to decimate hundreds of cities and murder thousands of people. The final wisdom they imparted was that as long as we kept our faith in God, the monks said, we would always have our power. And as we fought this army, we found they were right. Victory over ordinary soldiers came quickly and easily, and eventually confronted the leader himself.
This man was strong, but clearly not as strong as the two of us awakened warriors combined, and with our power and strength backed by our faith, we would not...could not...fail. But when we called upon our power in God's name to defeat him, absolutely nothing happened. Nada. The power was gone. Zapped away.
I found myself falling to my knees, hunched over in disbelief and feeling the growing anger at having been betrayed. The leader of our enemy laughed at us, telling us that our god had abandoned us at our time of need. He then told us that we could have our revenge on God by disowning our power...refusing to acknowledge it or Him, and instead, work for this leader's side and use his power.
In order to be in his army, we had take a solemn vow to forever disown our own power and deny the existence of God. In my enraged state, in the deepest feeling of betrayal, I quickly agreed and signed the contract (and I believe my friend did as well).
This was no ordinary vow, however. This was a vow at the soul level, from the deepest, darkest pain and the most sincere agreement...this vow would carry over for lifetimes...for eternity...and I agreed because I hated God. I hated him for betraying me.
From that point forward, in every existence and in every life (including this current one), I completely abandoned any idea that 'I AM God', and and any attempt to reestablish it, whether an authentic power or what I thought was authentic power, was met with such fierce resistance. I'd end up feeling completely powerless and a victim to things that happened to me.
Thanks to the spiritual work I had done in this life, I have been able to crack the hold this has had on me, at least enough to see beyond the veil of this life and be in (somewhat) communication with God/My Higher Self. This became fairly obvious to me the morning after the above meditation. Driving to work, I mulled over the experiences of the meditation and wondered how I'd ever get out of that soul contract I signed.
Then I was shown a vision. A secret ending, so to speak, to all this. I saw myself facing that leader (I'll just call him the devil because, really, what else personifies this better?), calling upon my power to defeat him. And then the 'camera' of my mind's eye panned up and to the right, in some room or some area away from where my warrior self was standing. In that area stood the monks that had taught my friend and I how to get our power back.
They had been working for the devil all along, looking for recruits like us for the devil to use and feed off of. The power they taught me was the devil's power. It wasn't our authentic power in any way, shape, or form. And the devil's power was only that which was given to him by people like us. That's why he needed people's power, and the only way to get that power was if a person gave it up. It couldn't be taken from him or her.
And so, my friend and I had been tricked into believing this power was Ours, stemming from God. And when we faced the devil, the devil took his power away, making us think we had been betrayed by God, when, in fact, we had been betrayed by the devil and his minions. No surprise that would happen, eh?
When I saw that, I also instantly realized that the contract I signed was completely null and void since it was drawn up due to trickery and lies. In that instant of knowing, I felt the lock around my power disappear, along with the fierce resistance of getting it back.
Two weeks later, I got another job, one that I didn't feel stuck in but which still caused me a lot of pain, the origins of which I traced to my life as the solider boy.
So, the warrior life contained the origins of how I voluntarily gave my power away, and the soldier boy life was a prime example of that contract being played out. And in this life, as Scott Wells, I lived the first four decades under that contract until I finally broke free of it.