Part 1 - The Body Maker
It seemed like we had reached the end of my story, and least the important bits. We had one more session to go, and Arn asked me what I wanted to do for it. Did I have any other questions I wanted to explore?
After spending the previous evening thinking about it, I decided that since so many of my past lives and experiences had been healed, it was time to help me in this incarnation, to help Scott. I mean, after forty years of life, I've picked up quite a lot of my own baggage that I wanted to look at.
As I explained in Day 5, due to some childhood trauma, I pushed away my own sense of masculinity, of 'boy-ness', and envied those stronger boys in my school. Ever since then, I promised that early adolescent version of me that I would find some way, whether in this life or afterwards, to allow him to experience what life would be if he grew up with tough sense of masculinity with him.
My question was this: Was there a way I could experience myself as a twelve year old kid again, but with that masculinity that came with the reuniting with Simcha? How could I heal this damaged version of myself?
Arn said that for these type of questions, he suggested looking a person's Life Map or Life Tree, which contains all possible choices and paths in our current life. Perhaps we could go to that point, where I had pushed myself away, and explore a different branch.
Once we started our session, he told me to open up the space in my third eye and concentrate with the intention of seeing this map. I entered what looked like a planetarium, with the stars, as circles, beginning to align to represent a tree.
However, the runny nose I had at the time distracted me, and I began to worry if Arn would notice. I felt embarrassed about this, and that, along with some other experiences that morning, actually brought up deep feelings of resentment about the look of my body.
As a kid, I loved my body and loved the way it looked. As I entered adolescence, however, the appearance of a lot of body hair changed that. I didn't want this body hair. I wanted smooth skin and began envying guys that had it. As a result, I have never been comfortable in my own skin.
So, being a relatively quick learner, I decided, with Arn's quick agreement, to trust the process, and that these feelings should be addressed before we move to the life map.
In fact, Arn suggested, why don't we find out why I chose this body.
Great idea. Still in 'space' in my third eye, I concentrated on my body and found it, in its current adult form, suddenly appear in front of me, sitting down cross legged. It was as if I had taking off my body, like one would do an outfit at the end of the day, and found myself as my spirit, as Simcha.
I then became aware of some other spirit inhabiting this body, and I immediately knew that this spirit OWNED my body, that this spirit created it, and that I was simply borrowing it for this lifetime. The spirit inside my currently-borrowed body then rubbed its forearms, and as it felt the arm hair, I saw it smiling in admiration. I noticed a beaming feeling of pride and love for it. This was true handiwork. A work of art.
This spirit then appeared to me, taking the form of what looked like a thin, older Irish man, with a few facial wrinkles, red hair, and matching short, red beard. I then saw a 'video' of myself, before this incarnation, standing with two of my guides in front of a closet, but instead of clothes hanging on the ranks, there were bodies. I saw myself and my guides going through these different bodies, with this Irish man watching us. I, as Scott observing this, then realized that all of these bodies belong to him. He was a Body Maker, and my spirit child was rummaging through his collection, finding a body that would suit him/us for this current incarnation, based on our needs for this life.
If I had chosen to, I could have picked a body that more suited what I felt would normally represent me. However, I took this body because, if I took one that truly represented what I wanted to look like, I would be distracted by its beauty, very much narcissistically, and would claim my body as who I truly was. I knew this body I chose wasn't one I'd enjoy looking at every day, at least as an adult, but this way, I would be forced to find the beauty of myself INSIDE of myself, in my heart. On the plus side, my body was healthy, all of its parts worked, and it wasn't deformed or had major cosmetic issues. Plus, I had (and still do have) really nice eyes.
Once I realized this body wasn't ME, that I was only borrowing it, I immediately felt love for it. That, and a sense of responsibility. As this happened, the Body Maker addressed me.
He must have picked up on my thinking he was Irish because I saw him put a pipe in his mouth, and he spoke in a perfect stereotypical Irish accent.
"Listen, Laddie," he said, in a calm, informative tone. "That body is one of my favorites, so you better bring it back to me all in one piece, or I'll give you a thrashing you never dreamed existed."
That actually made Arn and I laugh, and I figured he was just playing up to how I saw him. Regardless, his message was clear. I knew, in my heart, that this body needed my love and care.
Part 2 - The Life Tree
With the body issues looked at, and the warnings of the Irish Body Maker permanently etched in my mind, we went back to my life map.
The life map appeared in my mind as a map of circles, each one seeming to represent major points of my life. They connected to each other via a solid, white line, and the entire thing formed a giant fern. A few 'branches' extended from some of the circles, with a straight path up the middle representing the path I'm currently one, and the other branches, most of them drooping down, representing choices I could have made.
I saw the circles light up until we got to the second branch point, where I knew that was me at twelve to thirteen years old. From this point, a small branch existed to the right, one to the left, and one in the middle. The middle one, again, was the path I had chosen in this life, the one where I lived apart from my sense of masculinity. The path to the right darkened as I looked at it, and I felt such depression and desolation from it, and then it ended. I'm guessing it represented my suicide or some other death. Not really sure.
I got that the one on the left was the one in which I grew up with total Oneness with Simcha, being whole within myself. That's the path I wanted to explore. I remember staring at it, wanting to experience life from that vantage point, but at that moment, I realized that I didn't yet possess the tools to be able to do this. I knew that it was at least possible, and that some day, some way, I'd be able to explore this so that the early teen and adult Scott could be healed.
I felt disappointed that I wasn't able to experience this path at that moment, but at least I knew that it existed, and that there's a kid version of me that grew up in Wholeness. Perhaps, before this life is over, I'll discover or create the tool that I need to explore it, or even merge with it. Who knows?
Despite that, the journey Arn and I undertook to discover my story, heal my blockages, and reunite with Who I Truly Am was nothing less than life-transforming. It was full of amazing twists and turns, and really quite miraculous how all these pieces just came together. I couldn't really ask for a better ending.
I know that I received exactly the healing I needed, and that any remaining blocks will be handled in time. I feel I have the tools and resources to deal with them.
Next: What's Next?