Part 1 - The Forest's Gift to Me
Once again, Arn was astonished at the events that occurred during my solo healing session, and when he asked me what our goal should be for today, I told him I wanted to address and heal those bits of cruelty within me. I had carried them around long enough, and they needed to be restored back to their rightful owner.
However, before we started, I got the strong notion to start our session outside, so we sat on the patio furniture on the front porch, which faced the forest. After the deep breathing, I became aware that my solar plexus was already open, and in poured this amazing, raw energy from what felt like the forest itself, filling my entire energetic body. Like the Earth actually giving its energy, its life force, to me. This shocked me at first because I had never experienced anything like this, and when I related it to Arn as it was happening, he responded, just as amazed, "Yes! I feel this is happening to you as well!"
After a few minutes, this process stopped, and I figured I had taken all I could. I even imagined a little cork being placed on my solar plexus. Arn later explained that he had sensed this vortex around my solar plexus and had felt this gush of energy rushing past him and being siphoned into my body.
Neither of us knew why this occurred, or why the forest gifted me this energy, but Arn reminded me to be grateful for it. We then headed inside for the rest of the session.
As a side note, the day after I returned home, I meditated with the intention of receiving guidance on healing my body, and during this, I felt the forest's energy inside me coming alive, flowing back and forth, as if cleansing my body like a washing machine cleaning clothes.
Part 2 - Dagger of Cruelty
It was time to see what could be done with these 'slugs' of cruelty I had inside me.
After connecting with my heart space, I tried to summon my cruelty within me; however, it wouldn't appear. No matter how hard I tried (and normally it came quite willingly on its own), I couldn't summon a single cruel thought or urge. I even imagined that these bits of cruelty must have known I was out to get rid of them, so they had hid themselves.
I scanned my entire body to see if I could notice anything strange, and sure enough, I became aware of a large bruise around my third eye, almost like a protrusion. Arn and I came to realization that I had used these bits of cruelty to create the hells and nightmares I subjected myself to in my third eye, and that abuse had caused the large bruise.
I then had the notion to reach up with one of my hands and, in my mind, break this lump off. When I did, my third eye still felt bruised, but it had gone back to normal shape, and the protrusion I held in my hand morphed into a semi-transparent, jagged dagger.
After wondering what to do with it for a few seconds, my intuition guided me to put the dagger in my heart, to store it there and join with the Soldier Boy's ball of dirt and the little seed. When I did, I came to the realization that this protrusion was a gift, a tool, in its own twisted way. A tool of cruelty.
Then, I saw Simcha appear in my heart and take the dagger. Much to my dismay, he then proceeded to stab himself through the chest with it, falling down and appearing to be writhing in pain.
"Oh my God!" Arn shouted when I related my child spirit's attempted self-mutilation. "Is he okay?"
"I honestly don't know," I replied, wondering why he would do such a thing.
Then, another realization hit me. This dagger, this cruelty, is one of the only tools that can be used to mutilate and damage the soul. Him stabbing himself also indicated to me that, at this higher level of soul, this damage could only be done willingly, either willingly to myself (like the creation of the hellish nightmares in my third eye) or by willingly allowing another to do it (as I had contracted with the man that raped Shadow).
As I saw him lying there in pain, bleeding out, my cruelty arrived, laughing at him and encouraging me to let him wither in pain and die. Ah! Simcha knew how to get the cruelty to come out of hiding! What a genius! I figured he probably wasn't really in pain, or bleeding, that he had fabricated all this, but it worked, as my cruelty was front and center. I knew we could now address it.
The man who had raped Shadow appeared in my heart, covered in all the slugs of cruelty. I then understood that these slugs on my body, on my soul, didn't belong to me. They belonged to that man, and in reality, the ones on that man belonged to the one who gave them to him, and so on, until it reached the being who created cruelty to begin with. Arn added that this being holds the pattern of cruelty, like a blueprint, and that's who is ultimately responsible for it.
During the night before, and peppered throughout this session, I kept hearing the thoughts of, "I don't deserve this healing.", "I don't deserve success", "I don't deserve <insert something here>". Once this man appeared in my heart and accepted responsibility for the slugs, these thoughts became prevalent and another block to our being able to move forward.
We would have to address this issue.
Part 3 - Forgiveness of Me
Arn and I were now seemingly sidetracked by a belief I held of, "I don't deserve this healing". Fortunately, this time I didn't need to scan my body for any clues, as my lower back had just begun to act up, where I had a bulged disc.
Arn said to go into the pain and see if I could notice anything, or if it would, strangely enough, talk to me. When I concentrated on it, I actually saw the phrases, "I am wrong" and "There is something wrong with me" being pushed down into my lower back, indicting that I had stored lifetimes' worth of those beliefs there.
So, what was the connection between "I am wrong" and "I don't deserve this healing"?
The belief of "I am wrong" carried with it the feelings of shame, and I recalled a meditation I had done last year in which I experienced a life where I had put immense shame upon myself. I had only gotten very few clues at the time. I had sensed I was some type of non-human.
As this being, I had heeded the call for help by an oppressed people and had used my innate powers to remove the oppressors from power, but in doing so, I had interfered in a way that resulted in catastrophe. I finally saw myself in front of a tribunal, a council of sorts, bent over, due to the weight of the shame and guilt.
I felt I was on to something, that my whole reason for needing wisdom and compassion had to do with that life.
As I mentioned in Day 5, in my foray into the lower dimensions, as this child spirit of Freedom and Joy, I heard the call of an oppressed people, the ones on this planet. I then immediately went there, took physical form, and removed the oppressors, who didn't stand a chance against my raw power.
However, this was akin to interfering with a game of football, with me taking the side of the underdog, and literally obliterating the other team. I wasn't aware that both sides had agreed to this game on a soul level (just like Shadow and the rapist). The oppressed people had held a common core belief, at that soul level, of, "We do not deserve freedom". That's the game they were playing, and they invited souls to come in to play the oppressors.
But then I interfered. Sure, the oppressed people loved it on a conscious, physical level. They were free now, but the problem was that it left a power vacuum. They weren't ready to be free, to have their power of freedom, because they still held that core belief of, "I do not deserve to be free." As a result, all hell broke loose. I don't know exactly what happened, but perhaps they fought each other for power, or perhaps some other, more oppressive group came in at took over.
Because I interfered, and because I attempted to solve the problem at the physical level, I bought into the drama that all this was real. And so, instead of healing these people, I took on their burden, and so I carried a belief that "I don't deserve healing" because of what I had done.
At that point in our process, I felt my neck and upper back begin to really hurt. I have a few bulged discs, and as I recalled what happened, the pain became unbearable, like I couldn't carry this burden anymore. I wanted to get rid of it.
I then saw that, at the soul level, all of the oppressed people were really one single soul, an oversoul, experiencing itself as many. This soul appeared as a ball, with millions of strings attached to it, all leading down to a single oppressed person. As for the souls of the oppressors, I didn't get any information on them, except that they were separate, a different soul or souls, than the one experiencing the oppression.
I found myself standing face to face, in the cosmos, with this oversoul. Arn asked me to bring It into my heart and ask if It, the rapist guy, me, and even Simcha could use grace to just drop what happened and move on, to just let go of the drama.
But I got no response and realized that wouldn't work, that we all needed to continue. So, after lunch, I backed up to the point where I was facing the oversoul. When I did, I felt Its anger, anger for interfering the way I did, and anger that this interference actually caused a schism within Itself.
The oversoul admitted that It had called out for help, being lost in Its own creations. I replied that I simply answered the call, but I didn't know that the drama wasn't real, that it needed to be healed on a higher level. I took physical form, ready to take charge of the situation and kick out the bad guys. This experience also created my first real sense of Ego within myself, within Simcha.
I apologized to the oversoul for doing this, and explained that this original interaction is what made me realize that, in order to truly help and heal, I had to understand life in physicality, including its suffering and pain. This interaction became the catalyst that started my journey into deep separation and forgetfulness.
I went on to say that I had carried the burden with me throughout all of my experience sup until this point, and that I had gained so much wisdom from it. I actually thanked this soul for the burden, then respectfully asked It if I could lay the burden down at Its feet, for It to take this burden from me, as it rightfully belonged to It.
This soul then hugged me and sent me Love, forgiving me and saying that not only would It accept this burden back, but that It was now so thankful for me for going through all this, for taking this burden and gaining wisdom from it, for all of creation to use.
When It 'took' this burden, It left a part of Its true Self within me, saying that if I ever felt this burden in the future, to call on It and It would remove it.
I then went back into my heart with the rapist guy. The belief/thought of "I don't deserve this healing" had disappeared, and I could now continue.
Part 4 - Forgiveness of Other
With my belief of being undeserving of healing patched up, I was once again back in my heart space with the perpetrator rapist. After having gone through receiving forgiveness, the time had come for me to give it.
I realized that with Shadow healed inside of my heart, forgiveness came easily. I told the man that I, and Shadow, forgave him, and asked if he would please take the cruelty back. He said 'certainly', and I expected the slugs to just transfer over, like something being beamed from Star Trek.
However, the slugs didn't disappear from me. Instead, they started to turn from black to nearly all transparent, like a clear jelly, and as they did, they appeared on this man as well in this transparent form.
I sensed that a part of Me, a healed version of Myself, were in those slugs, and the man could use them as Love to heal himself. I also realized that because of this, I was part of him now, and the clear slugs contained a healed version of himself. Part of his true essence became 'attached' to me, just as the oversoul did.
He then told me that if I ever experienced thoughts and urges of cruelty, that I could call on him, and he would assist me.
In one day, I had just made two permanent spirit friends! Ironic, considering that, up until now, they had been either the burden of my shame (oversoul) or the cause of my absolute worst pain and suffering (rapist).
A day after this session, I needed this man's services. I opened up my heart space and called him forth. When he appeared, I saw that the vast majority of the slugs had turned clear, indicating that he had been busy healing himself. The transparent property of the slugs now revealed more of this soul's true powerful and loving nature.
He went straight to my third eye, where I noticed that it felt tender and sore. He put some type of salve on it, like a type of vapor rub, and spread it around the area. From then on, the cruelty began to lose its power, its thoughts becoming echoes from the scars left behind in my mind.