Part 1 - Simcha, Boy of Light
This morning, I admitted to Arn that a big part of my frustration yesterday was due to my inability to connect with that Boy of Light.
I experienced some early adolescent trauma, around thirteen years old, in which a lot of bullying and self-deprecation made me push away my own sense of masculinity, of 'boy-ness', replacing it with fantasies about being as strong and tough as the football players at my school. I've carried this hole in myself throughout my entire life, and the presence of this boy spirit seemed to fill that which I had pushed away. He had brought with him such peace and warmth, and a sense of masculinity, that I, as Scott, wanted to give myself over to him, just as my Shadow did.
Arn replied if I did that, I would be regressing, foregoing all of my experience and wisdom that I attained in all of my lives. All of the pain and suffering that I had gone through would be erased. And that's not why I went through all of this. He said that what's much more likely, is that this spirit child lacks the wisdom that I obtained, and he would want to fall into me, and not the other way around.
It was time to find out what was going on with this spirit child, me, and my shadow. This time, we decided to see if we could communicate with this Boy of Light. I opened my heart and invited him to be next to me. As soon as I did, I felt this love emanating from him, and he told me he is willing merge his spirit and his essence with me, and in return, I give him my wisdom.
That's when I realized, completely, this spirit child is Who I Am. I AM that Boy of Light, my Higher Self at the time before I experienced the life in which I was raped as a kid. This rape traumatized me so much that I literally separated myself from this Boy of Light, and put my essence into Shadow. The Boy of Light is forever innocent, unharmed, masculine, and powerful, a playful child spirit of Freedom and Joy. Arn had asked me if I knew his name, and the only one that came to mind was one my Hebrew school teacher had named me as a child: Simcha, which, funny enough, is Hebrew for joy. That's what I will call him.
As Simcha, I was called forth into the lower dimensions (akin to the few inner-most Russian matryoshka dolls, to use that example yet again) to assist and to heal the pains of lost souls, and I responded with great passion, but I lacked the wisdom and experience, the compassion, required to do this, resulting in a botched 'rescue', as I explain in Day 6.
I, as this spirit child, needed to fall into deep separation, deep forgetfulness, in order to gain the experience and wisdom required, so my guides and I found the perfect being to facilitate this: the one with the sheet of evil. We created a contract, one out of mutual love, in which he would infect me by raping me, causing me to fall into this separation, into these lives. I would then come out of them (during my life now) with wisdom and compassion, as well as with the tools of healing, the means by which this being could heal his own pain. That is why and how Shadow was created.
The realization of my connection with this spirit child filled my heart with such elation, and I invited him into my being, and when I did, he began to heal me.
I felt the energy from my Spirit Child first rush into my sacral chakra, the energy vortex located near my pelvis. This energy brought much needed sexual healing, orgasmic in a way. Then, the energy flowed into my base (root) chakra, located at the base of my spine, where Shadow, the raped boy, had placed himself. Shadow immediately embraced this energy, this love, and fell into it, allowing it to surround him.
For the past few years, I have had this extreme pressure in my solar plexus, the spot right between my ribs. This pressure feels like someone's poking a finger into it, squeezing it so that hardly any energy can escape.
When I concentrated on it during the session, I noticed, in my mind, some type of tube connecting my solar plexus to the side of my head, to my brain. This tube represented the the strong belief that nothing outside of the material world existed, and this belief fed the solar plexus and blocked its chakra. This was the wall, the block, that I ran into yesterday afternoon.
I then got the realization I created this block during my Solider Boy life, in which any and all sense of spirit, divine existence, and my connection with God was beaten out of me until I willingly gave up all notion of true divinity. Arn had me call this soldier boy into my solar plexus. He appeared as a very dirty thirteen year-old kid, and once he showed up, Simcha hugged him, surrounding him with His essence and pouring His love into him.
As he did this, Soldier Boy disappeared into Him, leaving behind bits of dirt and grime, the filth that had covered his existence. Simcha then gathered the bits into a ball and put them into his heart. I understood that this ball, made up of Soldier Boy's pain and dirt, is a gift that he leaves behind. It is a tool that will be used in the future, whenever the need arises.
After I related this to Arn, I started cracking up, laughing for the very first time during a session.
"What's going on?" he asked, amused at my unexpected merriment.
"This Higher Boy Self of mine," I started, "he took the ball of dirt and started dribbling it like a basketball, and now he's making free throws with it into a hoop he created!"
That made Arn crack up as well, and I watched in amusement as the Simcha then parked a muscular version of Himself, in a bathing suit, into my solar plexus, placing a pipe in it like it was a hole. He then sat down into the pipe and created a beach around himself, complete with clear skies, blazing sun, and sand. He then declared this beach to be His, placing a little blue flag in the sand next to him.
Arn then joked, "Don't give him a cigar or else he'll smoke it."
Of course, like any child would if given the power, a lit cigar then appeared in his mouth, and he donned a pair of sunglasses, declaring this chakra to be his and daring anything or anyone to challenge him. A pint-sized version of the A-Team's Hannibal.
Then, what I can only describe as the very essence of this child himself, spread from my solar plexus into the rest of my body, into the rest of my being, feeding it with energy and a vitality I hadn't experienced in years.
Even though the boy was a child spirit, and acting very childlike, his power to heal, the raw power behind him, was undeniable.
Since my heart chakra was already opened and healed, we skipped to my throat chakra, the energy vortex in the middle of my throat. Cold, empty, and dark, I found myself in it small and scared, as this chakra had a monster, created from the fear of sticking up for myself. It represented all the times, as Scott, that I was too afraid to stick up for myself when I was bullied or say how I really felt as an adult when faced with confrontation, all out of fear of being beaten (physically or emotionally). I realized I had carried this fear from my Solder Boy life. Simcha saw all this and asked to be let in.
I wanted to oblige, but I felt scared that if I did, the monster would attack me. I'd be beaten down. The child asked me to trust him, and once I relented, he appeared in my throat chakra, stepping in front of me and taking a standoff-ish stance against this monster, with his fists curled and growling, daring the monster to attack. I found that scared part of myself merging into him, realizing then that his voice is My voice, and I can trust him to guide me on when to stand up for myself and when to let something go.
He then went into my third eye chakra, in the empty white room I had created during my first visit the other day. I laughed as he started dancing, then he sat down in a lawn chair he created, put on a the pair of sunglasses, and gave me a thumbs up, indicating the chakra was already clear and we could move on.
For the crown chakra, I felt that fear of losing myself, the fear I felt the previous day of losing my grip on reality, but the spirit child surrounded that fear with love from my heart, and I felt the block dissipate enough for me to allow my crown chakra to open.
A noticed a small, thin rounded metallic disc covering this chakra, like a disc covering a a hole in a pipe. When I slid it aside, I became aware of a tea saucer-sized hole on the top of my head, and a light shown down from God into it. A solid light.
Then, my head turned transparent, and inside shown the entire galaxy, or perhaps the universe. And my child spirit stood, as a two inch figure, on top of my head with his arms folded, smiling. He indicated that I could choose, at any time, to be him, or be the Light shining down into my head, or be even the person, currently as Scott, making the choice and observing all of this.
For the first time that I can remember, I felt the free flow on energy throughout my entire body. All of my chakras were open, flowing, and connected. I knew that now I had reunited with this childlike, powerful aspect of myself. We are, in essence, a Frosted Mini-Wheat, with the Child Spirit aspect of myself being the frosted side, and Scott, once healed, as the aspect that brings wisdom and compassion. Once Simcha and Scott merge into one being, I will then BE the entire mini-wheat, the Joy/Freedom Child + Compassion.
Part 2 - Healing the Seed of Hate
That afternoon I had another session by myself.
I wondered how to heal the little red seed of hate that I had placed inside my heart. I started asking Simcha, but then I realized he didn't know. Healing this aspect of myself was MY job, as it required the experienced that I carried.
I started by creating the sacred space in my heart, visualizing the little red seed. Suddenly, a few of my incarnations, including Soldier Boy and the three aspects of myself involved in the strangulation drama appeared in a semi-circle around it, facing me.
We all then asked, very politely and with much reverence, whether the little seed will accept our love and our light. Whether it will come home and heal. It refused, so we politely said thank you, that that is no problem at all, and then we gave it our love. We were not going to force it or try to coax it in any way (I had learned that lesson from the previous day).
I then remembered about my Shadow, the boy that was raped, who had put himself in my root chakra. I felt he was still there, healed by Simcha, but had chosen to remain where he was comfortable. I opened up that chakra and connected my heart to it. Once that connection occurred, I felt the love from my heart being piped into my root chakra and being accepted by Shadow. I then the boy if he would go into my heart and face the seed.
He agreed, and appeared near the seed in my heart, surrounded by myself and all of my fellow incarnations. We told him that all of us had been hurt, torn, and scarred. All of us had been affected by this seed and had even helped grow its hate and anger. We asked with great humility if the boy will take responsibility for this seed as his creation.
As an answer, he stepped into the middle of us, in the middle of my heart, then took the seed, and placed it in his heart. As he did, his whole aura turned as red as the seed, and the rest of us held the space, emitting our Love.
I heard some screams of resistance in my head from this seed, but we, including Shadow, held fast to our Love, accepting it exactly as it is, and as we did, the red aura began to turn white, to become the same purity and color as the rest of us. In the middle of my heart stood Shadow, and in the middle of Shadow's heart was this seed. It now existed in my inner heart, the place of my most powerful connection with God, where it could stay forever. This is Shadow's gift.
And then I became aware that a monument to that seed had been placed for all eternity for all souls to see, as it has earned its place amongst the rare brethren that have been willing to undergo the agonizing torture of being torn apart in the most painful way, and reviled and hated for what seems like an eternity, in order to become accepted and loved for exactly as it is. As a consequence, this process turns the seed into an amazing, unique jewel, probably the most powerful tool of love and wisdom for all souls, for God, to use in creation.
And now it's inside of me. ME. THIS SEED IS WHY I WENT THROUGH ALL THAT I DID. I still haven't been able to fathom how blessed I am to have this tool as a permanent part of Myself. I do not know, at this time, how to use it, but that knowledge will come to me one day, and hopefully one day soon.