Part 1 - Shadow's Origin
Since I had put the seed of hate in my heart the previous night, Arn and I decided we'd try once again to see if we could get to the root of my Shadow's pain, and how I created the seed to begin with.
After the induction into meditation, I called forth my Shadow into my heart space. He appeared to me as an eight year-old boy, but I couldn't notice any of his physical features, other than his age. He wouldn't even talk to me or communicate with me in any way.
I felt the urge to sit up, and when I did, I felt, coming over my face, a mask of another eight year-old boy, almost reminding me of what I looked like when I was kid: gapped front-teeth and slightly curly, black hair. With this mask came the most wonderful, warm, blissful feeling that enveloped my entire being, and I saw him appear in my heart, carrying with him a playfulness and a powerful force of love. A Boy of Light.
Immediately, I felt Shadow's pull to merge into this Boy of Light, to remove the shackles of his pain and fall into his grace. I saw this Boy reaching down to Shadow, allowing this to happen.
It is at this moment that Arn placed one hand on my back and the other on the back of my neck, and akin to pulling a plug, all connection with my heart, with shadow, and this kid of light disappeared, and I cringed, his touch sending waves of violation through me. I did not understand why this was happening, but I asked Arn, very politely, to step away, and as he did. He then placed a blanket around my shoulders, making me nearly sick to my stomach.
Why is he touching me? Why is he interfering with this? Get the hell away from me!
I opened my eyes and told him what happened, how I felt violated by his touch. That shocked him, but what was even more strange was that he told me that he never, ever touches a client during a session, but for some reason, he was guided to do so with me this time.
"What about this made you feel violated?" he asked.
After thinking about it, I said, "It's because you're an adult male."
Then, after a pause, a knowing hit me.
"Oh my God," I exclaimed. "I felt that you were going to rape me! Some man raped me! Raped that eight year old Shadow self! Yes, that's it! That boy was raped by a man!"
My head was filled with images of the vile act, and I knew it had shattered Shadow's soul, making him hate God for allowing this to happen. It corrupted him, shattered his innocence, and created a schism that resulted in Shadow, a cruel, angry being bent on destroying God, and barring that, himself.
Arn then asked me to call upon the external perpetrator, to invite him into my heart. I closed my eyes again and connected with my heart, where I sensed the presence of both Shadow and Boy of Light.
I then invited the wrong-doer into my heart, who appeared as a man covered in what I can only describe as a semi-transparent sheet of 'evil', with these black, slug-shaped creatures crawling around it. Kinda looks like Charlie Brown's failed attempt at a halloween costume, except more transparent and evil.
This man broke down in tears when he saw the boy, surrounding the child with his love. He apologized to him, saying he wasn't himself when he was doing it. He felt that some demon of some kind took him over, forcing him to do it out of the cruelest intentions. And the intention succeeded. It utterly corrupted this boy, and the evil, the cruelty, spread into him like a virus, and I saw that the boy had a few of these slugs on him. I realized I had carried them with me into all subsequent incarnations, manifesting themselves as cruel thoughts and urges, as I explain in my post, Cruelty: The little seed and the monster.
Arn and I realized that I had kept the cruelty inside of my own soul, which actually resulted in the strangulation of an eight year-old boy and the redemption of his murderer. I didn't use cruelty enough against another being to spread the disease and cause its soul to form a schism. That's why I've only carried two of these bits. If I gave in to my cruelty, these bits would not only have spread to someone else, but they would have multiplied inside of me, like it did to the perpetrator, probably making it harder and harder to resist their urges. I have always known that the cruelty isn't me, just as they aren't that man who raped me when I was that boy. They are foreign 'objects' , caused by the 'evil' we have carried around.
I then got another bit of knowing. Shadow's soul (a.k.a, my soul) and the soul of this man made a contract for this to happen. I actually sought him out and asked him to do this act of cruelty to me, to allow my soul to experience such agony that I would form the schism, separating me from my true self and allowing me to enter into deep separation.
When Shadow got wind of this, he demanded to know WHY this was set up this way, and he asked to be in the presence of this Boy of Light when we found out.
Part 2 - Running Into a Ceiling
After I connected with my heart, we started the session by bringing inviting Shadow Boy there as well. When I felt his presence, Arn said we could 'lift the veil' of ignorance, so to speak, and access my Higher Self (the second most inner layer doll, to use the Russian matryoshka dolls analogy) to discover the story of my soul. He said this was done by going through my crown chakra, the energy vortex located on the very top of my head.
For some reason, fear started to set in, closing me off from my heart space. I stopped feeling Shadow's presence, and I couldn't get in touch with this Boy of Light, either, no matter how desperately I tried. And even though I could feel this crown chakra, I ran into massive resistance, my fear, when I attempted to access it.
This fear manifested itself as a voice in my head, a part of my ego, screaming that it would never let me move beyond this point, that it would never allow me to open this chakra. This part of me held firm to the reality that I had lived for my entire life. It was the logical, left-brained side, the side that dictated what was real and what wasn't, and it held fast to the notion that nothing truly existed outside of my direct experience of the material world or the little bit of beyond that I experienced through my heart. It wouldn't allow me to see beyond the veil, if the veil even existed. Using the Russian matryoshka dolls as an example again, it's like I had hit some type of ceiling where I would only be allowed to experience being the inner most dolls, and not ones a few layers outside of Scott.
I began to panic, feeling that I wouldn't be able to move any further in this healing if I didn't get past this block. Nothing Arn said to it to coax this part of me did any good, and I couldn't force it, either. After a while, I was tired, and we had to concede that we were stuck.
I must admit I was in a pretty foul mood the rest of the evening, and even the next morning, especially when I thought that I had reached the end of my healing journey in South Africa. I fought back, reiterating that I wasn't going to give up. I hadn't come all this way to stop here.