Part 1 - Freedom and Joy + Compassion!
Arn and I didn't uncover any more specific clues to the seed's painful origin during this session, but I did make a very interesting discovery on my soul's identity and why I went through all that pain.
I felt, through my intuition, that my soul was the embodiment of Freedom and Joy, the fusion of those two concepts. At some point, I heard a call for help, that some souls were experiencing themselves as physical beings, trapped in some type of abject oppression.
And I responded. And the way I responded led to disastrous results. The story of what I had done wasn't made known to me until later (although I had my guesses), but what I did realize is that I was missing something vital in order to truly be of service and assistance to others. I was missing compassion.
I had no idea what it was like to exist in a dense, three dimensional environment such as our planet Earth, and the pain and suffering that went with it, and so I had used my power indiscriminately, judging those I thought as evil by forcibly removing, perhaps even killing, these subjugators and their control of others.
Since my soul was Freedom and Joy, I realized I needed to experience, to create, their exact opposite in order to infuse Compassion into my being, to evolve into Freedom and Joy 2.0, as I call it. So, I created many painful lives in which my freedom was taken away (like this one), and in which I experienced great suffering (like this one). Not to mention my current life as Scott has been riddled with a lot of both.
What I then understood was that there are the lives that I experience as separate personas/people. Then there's the Self that experiences all of them on a 'higher' level, that encompasses all of them, and then there's a Self that experiences all the higher selves, and that continues outward like a set of Russian Matryoshka dolls, with smaller dolls inside the larger ones. I'm not sure if this is true for everyone, but I felt it is true for me.
When I experience such pain, such anger, the pain becomes a ball of red flame. As I write this post, it occurs to me that perhaps the little red seed of hate that I have is what happens when the anger becomes so intense, so strong, and pushed away from me for so long that the light gets squeezed into itself until it turns solid and hardens, perhaps like what happens to coal to turn into diamonds.
My Higher Self, that is, the part that identifies itself as Freedom and Joy, asks my individual selves to give the anger to Him, and He will transform the anger into compassion and give that back to them. What I have experienced over the last year is that my consciousness bounces between being Scott and expanding to being my Higher Self, bringing healing to all those lost, hurt parts of Myself, including all my past lives, those other souls I have hurt, and even Scott himself.
So, the meaning of the word I can vary from meaning the lower consciousness of Scott and the infusion of him, along with my other lives, to mean my Higher Self, and perhaps beyond. There will probably come a point in this existence that I reach an equilibrium in the expansion of my consciousness. It's a bit strange and not easy at all for me to explain with words, especially since there's really no measurable way, at least that I know of, to distinguish the levels of consciousness in physical reality.
So, I am experiencing myself more and more as my Higher Self in this reality, and as this being, I am learning to heal myself. As I do, I am transforming into All New Freedom/Joy+Compassion(tm).
I also realized why I used the tool of Shame as my anchor. For me, the opposite of Freedom is Shame, because if I'm shamed when I do something or am something, then I feel I am not free to do it, and so I change. I conform, in order to fit in, or in order not to be punished. For example, in my Soldier Boy life, the shame was beaten into me, and to avoid it, I gave up my autonomy and any sense of connection with my spirit. I've also carried this sense of shame in my current life, as Scott. When I was bullied at school, I felt very ashamed of myself, especially when being afraid to stick up for myself, for fear of being beaten. So, again, I conform, so that I don't stick out.
Part 2 - Owning the Seed of Hate
That evening, after Arn and I had parted ways for the day, something inside of me urged me to meditate. Normally, when I meditate by myself, I sit upright instead of lying down, and as soon as I made myself comfortable sitting on my bed, I noticed a prominent tingling sensation in my third eye area, the spot on the forehead just above between the eyes.
I've had a lot of pains and discomforts in my body, and over the past few years, more problems have arisen, seemingly more so than most people my age. Just complication and complication, and I can't seem to get rid of them. When I try a remedy, it either makes it worse or some other pain occurs to take its place.
During this evening's mediation, my intuition told me that these pains in my body are caused by the shadow seed within me, from carrying around its burden. I am doing this in this life so that I can transform this seed from such a powerful tool of hate to the ultimate power of Love. This is where my greatest power lies, within this seed. Once healed, the seed and I will become one and whole again. I will know that this seed is actually Me and that I am, in reality, unharmed.
I then had the notion, the urge, from my guides, to reach my physical hand up to my third eye, take the seed from it, and place it into my heart. Wonderful. They really wanted me to place this seed of evil, that hated me with such passion, into my heart, where I was most vulnerable? Arn wasn't around to consult me, or call for help if somehow doing this caused me a heart attack. Okay, so maybe I was being a bit overdramatic, but the idea of doing this still scared me.
I did it anyway, and I found myself, as I did, even sharing my fears of it killing me with this seed. Once in my heart, I felt it tremble from its immense power, as if it could barely contain itself. I found myself surrounding it with the love in my heart, and responded the same to all the cruel thoughts and hate I felt emanating from it.
When I told Arn the next morning, he was amazed and flabbergasted, saying that by putting the seed in my heart, I acknowledged ownership of it and took responsibility for it.
On a side note, after that evening's meditation, I decided to continue a game, called The Room 2, on my iPad. After a few minutes into it, I came across this:
Goose bumps spread throughout my entire body, and I stared at the screen. What were the odds that I'd see this camera, with a metal plate over its lens exactly as I had experienced with my third eye just two nights prior? I stopped the game right there so I could show Arn in the morning, and his jaw dropped just as far as mine had.
"If there were any doubts as to all this healing being real," he said with a laugh. "Now you've got your answer."