Part 1 - The Tool of Shame
As I stated in the introduction, the morning of our second day marked, with very few exceptions, how we would conduct the rest of our sessions. I would lie down or sit up in the bed of my cottage, and Arn would take a seat next to me. We would set a goal for the session, and then after a brief induction into meditation (closing my eyes, taking a few deep breaths, and relaxing my body), we would start the journey.
This morning's goal was to understand my Shadow's pain, it's story. After the induction into meditation, Arn asked me to focus on my heart region, and see if I could notice a soft, warn feeling. A feeling of safety. In my mind, the space appears as a divine white color which fills the room, like many Hollywood movies envision heaven.
This feeling, and the area in which in comes from, Arn referred to as the heart space (it's also known as the heart chakra. See this for basic information on chakras). I had been practicing opening up to this space for a few years, so I had become quite adapt at doing this.
Arn asked me to open this heart space even more and delve further into it, seeing if I could merge into this Divine Self. I received a vision of this Self as an amazing ball of pure white light, but as I approached it, an orange wall of pain appeared between us, blocking me. As I focused on the pain, I felt immense shame, a strong feeling of "There's something wrong with me".
Arn then asked me to approach it, to see if we could gather any clues as to its origin. However, as I began to near it, I felt an immense pressure in my head, that only increased as I got closer, until I reached the point where I couldn't move any further. I received no insight on its origin.
When I related this to Arn, he realized that this wall of shame couldn't be passed through, destroyed, or altered. That it actually had no 'story' to it, and that it was simply Shame. He told me that Shame is my (main) anchor to this world. It's the weight that keeps me grounded and allows me to exist in physical reality. He said that if I didn't possess it, I would have, long ago, found a way to leave this world and never come back.
I had read about pain anchors on Arn's website, so I was familiar with the concept. At the time, it made intellectual sense to me, and I remember wanting to find my anchors, if they actually existed, and get rid of them.
I put Arn's explanation of my Shame anchor in my heart space to see if it caused the space to expand, meaning that what he said resonated as true for me. Very often, he would explain something, and I would get my own insight into it.
In the case of the Shame anchor, the insight I received expanded upon what Arn said. This anchor was simply a tool, one I had created at some 'higher', expanded soul level of Myself. And just like every tool, it serves a purpose. Just like Arn had theorized, the Shame tool's purpose was to ground myself.
I received a vision in my mind of My Being as a human outline, and in this outline contained what appeared part of a cosmos, full of stars, and I saw Shame as a small, orangish star in my left leg. This made me realize that I contain hundreds of tools, and that Shame is simply one of them.
My ability to see this objectively allows me to use this tool as I see fit. In other words, when I experience shame, I can choose to see it as a result of this tool. I don't have to internalize it and use the tool to make myself feel bad. I can see it for what it is: simply the thing that allows me to exist in this reality.
I didn't feel the desire to remove it anymore, as I began to trust that I had anchored myself to this world for a very good reason, and hopefully we would uncover what those reasons were.
Our session ended there, and even though we didn't get to Shadow's origin, we found a crucial, core part of myself, freeing me from being a victim of my own shame.
Part 2 - Opening the Third Eye
After lunch, Arn and I set out once again to find out my Shadow's story.
This time, after I put myself in my heart space, Arn asked me to concentrate on my third eye, a spot on my forehead just above the middle of my eyes. I've felt it tingle before, so I knew where to concentrate. However, I couldn't see or notice anything. In fact, in my heart space, I found myself in a beige-colored room, closed off in all directions and devoid of anything. I felt warm and very safe, but I couldn't see or know anything about Shadow and what I had done to cause him.
It seemed Arn and I had come across a puzzle, like one would find in a computer adventure game. Luckily, I had my thirty years of adventure game experience under my belt to tackle this issue, which also meant I could now justify having spent three decades solving virtual people's problems.
I became aware that the only thing I noticed was a strange sensation in my head, a pressure, a few inches wide, that started from the top of my head and ran down my forehead to the bridge of my nose. Arn thought about this for a moment, repeating it out loud before he asked, "Could this be related to your third eye? Do you think this thing could be blocking it?"
As soon as he spoke those words, I knew, from deep within me, that he had the correct answer. This thing felt metallic in my mind as I touched it again, and it seemed to be made of two pieces, with a hinge at the top of my forehead where the these pieces met. Much to my surprise, before I told him this, Arn even asked if this it was metallic.
When I am connected to my heart space, I often receive 'data packets of information', which can contain visions, audio, feelings, or complete stories. They aren't things I create from my head, but rather, they are transmitted to my head from my heart, or from some deep place of knowing, my intuition. I can translate these bits of data into words for others, but sometimes there is so much information in them that it takes awhile to explain.
It was at this point when I received one of these packets of information. I had been familiar with the idea of spirit guides, or angels, assigned to be a soul's guardian, who protected the soul and advised it when providing consultation. I pretty much knew I had guardians and guides looking after me, as more than a few times divine intervention had prevented me from being severely hurt, or even killed.
From this packet of information, I saw myself, as some point after creating the red seed, using the creative power of my third eye to conjure up horrific experiences of hell in order to destroy myself. The little seed of hate inside of me had taken over. However, I found that this hell couldn't destroy my soul, so I created even more powerful hellish nightmares, and when those didn't work, I created eve more powerful, hateful, nightmares. This went on until I couldn't take it anymore and screamed out for help.
Immediately, one of my guides placed me in that warm, safe room, and put the plate over my third eye so I couldn't come to know and experience the hells that I created. It is there that I go when I try to access my third eye.
Arn asked if I now wanted to remove it, to unblock my third eye and face my creations. I wanted to, but thanks to becoming aware of all the wonderful nightmares I created, I cringed at the thought of letting them loose. I mean, I've seen some pretty scary stuff in horror movies and have read about some vile deeds people have done to each other in this world, and if that didn't even scratch the surface of what I tried to do to myself, then I wasn't sure I really wanted to get a first hand look at it.
I started to tremble, and even cry, telling Arn how frightened I felt. Arn said he understood completely but encouraged me to carry on. When I concentrated on my heart, I then felt, for probably the first time in a long time, the presence of three of my guides, standing next to me and beaming their love. Arn felt them, too, insisting on their existence and adding his own love and support.
I decided I hadn't come all this way, both literally to South Africa and figuratively with my spiritual growth, to turn back now. When I conceded to doing this, Arn told me I could lift up the hinge, so I slowly reached up with one of my hands to my forehead, and, in my mind's eye, I moved the hinge.
"There's a dime-sized black hole in my forehead," I told him, actually being able to both see and feel this gap.
"Okay," he said. "Now you can go in it."
Uh, what? Go into the place of my worst nightmares? Was he fucking serious? I had just removed the boulder to the lair of the monsters who hated me, and now he wanted me to go in it?
I felt the gentle push of my guides, whom I felt would follow me in, so I let out a sigh, then imagined myself entering the hole, with the darkness surrounding me.
Trembling, I traversed whatever place I had found myself in, and I jumped as I thought I heard screaming, fearfully anticipating whatever terrible beast awaited me. Then, I felt the love that I brought with me from my heart, and that of my guides and Arn. As soon as I did, that love transformed whatever monster I had previously created into Yuki, my little Shih Tzu dog. The room went from pitch black to pure white light.
Arn said that this is my place of power and creation, and this it reflects whatever I bring to it. When I brought pain and destruction here, that's exactly what I created out of the darkness, but this time, I came with love, so the room transformed into that.
In my third eye, I felt weak as if I had just emerged from a long sleep. My guides propped me up and told me to take it easy. They then created some sort of table, and three of them surrounded it. The little red hate-filled seed descended down and landed on a petri type dish on the table.
My guides then started emitting the most powerful unconditional love and unconditional reverence toward this seed. It was as if the purest energy, the purest Love straight from God was being bestowed up on it, and being revered as if it was God. This little seed, the most vile of the most vile, believing itself to be Satan incarnate, and once exiled into the deepest darkness by my own hate of it, was now being shown the Love usually reserved for only the most revered angel. I realized this reverence was due to the fact that the seed had gone through so much pain and suffering, so much agony, for purposes it (and myself) did not know yet.
They then asked for Arn and I to stop there, to give the seed time to incubate in the Love.
We still hadn't found out the seed's origin, but I began to realize that this was a journey, and hopefully more clues would be uncovered next time.
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