Note: This relates to my Soul Awakening journey and was originally written in June 2014. I will update in future blog posts.
As I stated in the introduction of my Soul Awakening, I ran into a lot of blocks during my time with Arn. When some issues got in the way of my connecting with my cruelty, I got angry and tried to force the healing process to go the way I wanted, just as when I hit at ceiling block on day 4. I feared that I would run out of time, and have to return to the States without receiving the healing I wanted. As this fear grew, I felt a huge knot in my solar plexus.
During all this, Arn told me this was a lesson in learning to trust my heart, to trust the process, and to let go of what my ego wanted. As he was talking, Simcha, a higher aspect of my Self, suddenly appeared to me in a jungle setting, dressed in a brown jungle safari outfit, complete with 1930's pith helmet. He took on the role of my ego, and he produced a map and was yelling and screaming, pointing at our destination and saying we were going the wrong way. He then got out a red pen and scribbled all over it, highlighting places where he, as my ego, thought we had gotten off track. Amusing way to make a point.
Arn asked if I was willing to let go and trust the process, and I said yes, noticing that part of the fear of the ego letting go is that, if it takes a backseat, then I am open to mind control and manipulation. My heart told me, however, that the mind taking a backseat to the heart, with the mind not knowing what's going to happen and not being in charge, is pure creation. That is, letting the heart take charge and having the mind and ego process things later.
Arn then agreed that if I wasn't connected to my heart as I did this, or any other process, then yes, I could be open to suggestion. My ego was just protecting me, and although it allowed the process to continue, it wanted me to be mindful of letting go like that in the future.
It turned out that every single time we addressed these blocks, we actually got to our goal. We uncovered and healed not only what we had set out to, but many times, other realizations came out of the fold, filling in even more pieces of my soul's story.
What I've dedicated myself in doing is letting go of my mind having to solve all the issues and stresses of life that come up. I move them from my mind into my heart, trusting that the most loving steps to take to resolve the issue will be made known to me. I couldn't have done this before all this healing because I felt so disconnected from my heart and from that power within me. I didn't trust at all that the 'feelings' from my heart were real, because very often they'd seem to originate from my mind anyway, faking the feelings, or perhaps even from some other 'entity'. I just didn't trust them.
It is still a risk, I realize, especially since I have spent my entire life trusting my mind more and more and my heart less and less, due to my feeling so disconnected from it. Now, I am intent on reversing this. The issue for me is, the more emotional and upset I get, the more wound up I get, and the more wound up I get, the harder it seems for me to connect with my heart. Then what do I do? Well, I try my best. And I'm learning to let go of the need to think I'm 'right' in what I choose. I've experienced over and over that no matter what choice I make, my mind usually tells me I've made the incorrect one, and I'll imagine how good my life would have been if I only chose the other path.
So when I trust my heart when I'm connected to it, my life is much less stressful and worrisome, especially as I receive gentle suggestions/urges/gut feelings on what to do. I'm very much at the beginning of this, so it's like an experiment. I'll probably falter a lot, but if I can see it like a child first learning to walk, then falling down is actually okay, especially as my intentions are pure. Just taking baby steps here.