From Birth To Forty

I grew up in Texas in the 1970s and 80s, not too far from what television depicted as the American Dream in middle-class suburbia, USA. In many ways, as I later found out, my childhood was more fortunate than other kids. My parents loved me and my siblings, and as such, we had a loving household. I was healthy, and I experienced no physical or mental abuse from any family members, no violence from others, and no tragedies. Yes, we had problems, which almost goes without saying, but I spent the majority of my early childhood with a strong sense of self-love.

However, despite having experienced no traumas and being raised in a loving household, a darkness began creeping into my mind. It started slowly at first, at around age two or three. I remember being upset at having been born and lamenting, "Oh, God, I'm here again!"

Then, around age ten or so, my moods would swing rapidly from being happy to being upset. I started feeling hate, first towards my younger brother, when I poured scalding hot water down his back while we were in the shower, then later on transferring that hatred towards myself at around age thirteen. I despised going through puberty, becoming ashamed of my sexuality and how weak and hairy my body was compared to other boys.

Along with this darkness, though, I began having existential experiences during my dreams, which planted the thought seed that perhaps there existed a reality, a power, far greater than the physical one my body and mind occupied.

This started around age five, when I had my first lucid dream. I found myself as a girl, riding a bicycle down our street. I called out to the other kids, speaking in a very high-pitched, girly voice, "This is a dream! Do you know how I know? Because in real life, I'm a boy!"

Then, at the ages of six and eight, I had a dream where I found myself outside of my body, looking peacefully at my sleeping form. I didn't panic or feel any fear. I just had a very odd, yet serene thought of, "Huh. There's my body."

Around that time I also began experiencing dying in dreams. In one, I was in my house, standing down the hall from my parents' room. These two adult thugs appeared behind me, and when one pulled out a gun, I ran down the hall towards my parents' room. The man shot me, and I felt the bullet enter my back. My body fell to its knees, and then on its face.

A few months later, I dreamt being in my parents' room, with my mom and younger brother with me. Next to us, on an artist's easel, stood a half-poster sized Twister spinner, its needle endlessly looping around, making a noise similar to that of a broken record.

"What is that?" my brother asked my mom.

"It's Scott's heart, dear," she replied, motioning to me.

The needle then suddenly stopped, gravity forcing the needle to spin to the bottom. In that instant, I felt my own heart stop, and my body fell face-forward onto the bed.

Those dreams haunted me for years.

In my twenties, I had a dream being another person. I found myself as a male actor in a stage musical, with the current events and technology at the time reminiscent of the 1940s. On the stage, in full makeup, I started to croon. The joy I felt from singing enveloped my being, singing in perfect pitch and bellowing with confidence (let it be known I do NOT possess such a voice in this waking life). This confidence ebbed, though, after I exited the stage. I had a secret…something I knew I could never let out: That I was a homosexual. I don't remember feeling shame about it, but I do remember being depressed that I would always have to hide it.

When I awoke, I marveled at the soul connection I had with this person, the fact that I was this person in the dream, singing a song to a tune in a musical, all of which I had never encountered in this life at all (as a side note, that wouldn't be the last time I would dream singing songs or playing music that I had never heard before – although not as this same person). How was any of this possible? I pondered then whether this dream, and the two I had as a child, were indeed echoes of previous lives - dreams showing me the very last moments of two of them, and one allowing me to experience a gift I have never had in this one.

I did not know, and still do not, whether these lives were actually my own at some previous time or were simply a connection to other people, but either way, they did help further open my mind to the possibility of having lived before, and of this reality not being the one and only.

My teenage years, however, were void of any spiritual experiences, perhaps due to the self-abuse I inflicted during those times. As I discuss in my spiritual journey blog, I felt that God hated me and would punish me severely for my sexual deviance, and so to avoid punishment, I didn't pleasure myself for seven years, from the time I was thirteen to the time I was twenty.

This darkness, this hatred I had towards myself caused a riff, a schism, in my mind, birthing a relentlessly abusive ego. Its cruel thoughts, ideas, and fears made my teenage years and early twenties absolute hell, riddled with shame and guilt, and hardly ever allowing me a day's respite. It got so bad that one night I contemplated suicide, the desire of which scared me so bad that I ran into my parents' room in tears. I started taking anti-depressants. They made my life bearable, even if they only covered the underlying issues with a paper-thin shield.

At that time, I started getting into spiritual books about past lives and other planes of existence. The subjects fascinated me, even if they didn't do much to heal my soul. Then, when I was around twenty-four years old, in the mid-1990s, I came across a book that changed my life and view of God forever: Conversations With God, by Neale Donald Walsch.

In it, Neale has a conversation with God. Literally (provided one believes that it took place). God states, in the book, that there is no Divine punishment, there is no Divine judgment, and there are no Divine rules. Just absolute, unequivocal love and acceptance of everything and everyone exactly as it all is. True or not, this book, and the statements like those in it, resonated with me on such a deep level that it actually healed my rift with God.

The only thing left to heal was the rift within myself, and I spent the next fifteen years searching for answers on how to make that happen (turns out making peace with God was the easy part). During this long stretch of time, I studied spirituality and joined a local spiritual group, went to therapy, attended seminars and transformation classes, and read books on the law of attraction, oneness with God, and the power of the current moment. I tried just about anything that I thought could heal me, bouncing from one person's or group's idea to the other, often circling back.

While many of these things, especially the therapy, helped me understand that there really was nothing wrong with me, and that all of the suffering came from deep hurts within my psyche, healing it proved tedious, evasive, and slow. I desired something much quicker and easier.

I read about the concept of the year 2012 and the Mayan calendar, and how, on December 21st of that year, our world would be transformed into heaven on Earth, with the dark forces that kept humanity in suffering and lack being banished by benevolent races of extraterrestrials. The Earth and its inhabitants would then enter The Golden Age, and under the tutelage of these higher dimensional beings, using their exceedingly advanced technology, we would learn to create anything and everything we needed to live a joyous, harmonious life.

I would be healed, and their technology would accelerate the process and require very little effort on my part!

I found books that hinted at it, and I came across websites with convincing arguments as to why this would happen. The vast majority of the spiritual websites I visited promised these things, on the basis of the channellings that their authors received from these higher dimensional beings.

Yes, this sounded extremely far-fetched, but I kept running into more and more separate sources that all said the same thing in different ways. How could it be that all of them were wrong? They couldn't be! How could books written thirty, forty, hell, hundreds of years ago be wrong?

I needed this Golden Age to happen. I needed to be healed.

In October of 2011, I quit my job. I had suffered severe burnout and needed a break. I had a nice nest egg to live off of for almost a year.

That will be enough, I thought. The channellings promise big changes even before December of next year.

2012 came. I waited with baited breath each month that passed, and each month that nothing changed, I became more agitated, worried, and financially broke. The channellings blamed these delays on the 'craftiness' of the dark forces to sabotage progress, but they then promised that things were changing and encouraged us just to hold on 'a little bit more'.

I grew tired of the repeated promises of changes and the blaming of dark forces when things didn't materialize. This is when my search for answers first led me to Arn Allingham, in the form of a YouTube video of his, where he, through his own channeling, presented the whole light forces/dark forces drama in a slightly different angle.

He said that while beings of these two forces did exist, and did fight each other, there was yet another type of being, one that transcended both, in which we could choose to become. Beings of this type exist in what he called Unity Consciousness, one that is in direct experience with being in union with God and of all creation, including both the light and dark, yet all the while maintaining individuality. They are directly connected to infinite creativity, energy, and potential, and bring forth their own experience, so they can choose to live among whomever and whatever they choose. They have their own power and are not a victim to anyone or anything, which means they know that they are ultimately responsible for whatever it is they experience and create.

This message resonated deeply with me. I decided to become a being of Unity Consciousness and awaken to the God-Self within me. Perhaps 2012 was all about becoming a being of high consciousness, and that year marked the time that it would happen. It might not be aliens that would heal me after all. It might be God, or maybe other beings of high consciousness. I'd be okay with either.

Inspired by his videos, I then read his book, The Ascension Papers. Just like Neale's Conversations with God had done almost fifteen years prior, Arn's book spoke directly to my soul. I experienced this first hand with one of its messages, "You are an infinitely powerful, immortal, eternal creator being."

That prospect sounded awesome to me, so I repeated it several times to myself during the course of reading the book, like a mantra. However, I couldn't resonate with the words. I didn't feel them as truth to me…just as something that I wanted to be true. Using one of the tools in the book, I uncovered something: I was actually afraid of owning my own power. For some reason, I had this deep fear that I would abuse it. I did not know it at the time, but this fear, and the story behind how it came to be, formed the very core of the reasons why I suffered so greatly, and held one of the greatest gifts, the knowledge of which I would uncover during my time in South Africa.

Unaware of all this, I simply used another tool from Arn's book to move forward. I made the choice not to be afraid of my own power anymore. As soon as I did this, a surge of powerful energy exploded from my heart and chest area, and I became aware of being a 'higher' dimensional form of Myself, that part of me already in Unity Consciousness, or at least closer to it than my current consciousness.

I closed my eyes and opened my mouth to repeat the mantra: I am an infinitely powerful, immortal, eternal creator being. That Higher Self within me came alive, and with every fiber of my being, I knew those words to be a declaration of Truth of what is, and I stated them out loud with such power and confidence it was as if God spoke through me.

This experience, along with many other 'aha!' moments I encountered in the book, led me to hold several Skype 'Soul Integration' sessions with Arn throughout the remainder of 2012. During these sessions, Arn used meditation to help me reveal the origins behind deep-seated wounds. Instead of receiving the information himself, he simply held the meditation space, allowing all experiences and insights to come forth through me. Then, after I told him what I saw, he used his own intuition to ask questions to help guide us to answers. Having conscious experience with these insights and visions, and having them come directly to me (instead of through him), made them real to me, and allowed the next session to either build upon the last or become a piece of the puzzle.

One of the sessions revolved around my three year-old self's lament of, "Oh, God, not again!" This turned out to be a cry out of abandonment, of feeling separated from God, from my true Self. That much I had suspected for years, but what I did not know before this session was that I had chosen to be here, and had chosen to abandon this conscious connection with God in order to learn true compassion for others.

Again, I didn't realize the sheer importance of obtaining this compassion until my journey in South Africa. However, this understanding of choosing to be here of my own soul's free will became the first real evidence that I was not an unwitting, or unwilling, victim. No one had forced me to be born here. Perhaps just as important, the seeds of being responsible for myself and my life had just been planted.

While amazing as these types of sessions were, real life and its problems kicked into high gear. September came, and with my funds dangerously low, I had no choice but to look for a job. By November, with no job in sight, I began to panic. I realized that, in all probability, everything I wanted to believe in about 2012 was a sham, and by December, I had no money to pay the next month's rent. The stress I went through prevented me from having any more successful sessions with Arn.

The 21st came and went in a whisper, with absolutely nothing of note happening. No being rescued by aliens. No being transformed into a Unity Conscious being with all my problems magically erased.

I was fucked. And angry. Not to mention broke. How could this have happened? Someone had to have answers! Unfortunately, there were none to be found, at least not at that time.

My parents and a friend of mine graciously offered me money, which I humbly took, vowing that I would find a job. I remember walking my dog one late December morning and telling myself that I will find work. I can do it, and I will do it. I will get out of this myself.

In early January 2013, I did indeed find employment. I had to borrow some money from my parents, but I knew paying them back wouldn't be a problem. I'd be able to do it in a few months.

Arn and I communicated via email around this time, and in response to my want of an explanation of the previous year, he wrote, "Having this event happen to us if we are not creating it will make victims of us. And an experience of Oneness that makes us into a victim is not a possibility."

In other words, a being of high consciousness, alien or not, would not rescue me from my own creations, lest it fall under the false notion that I do not create my own reality. Maybe that was true, or maybe it wasn't. By that time, however, it didn't matter, because that's when I decided that I would no longer put my faith in someone or something else, even God, rescuing me from my life. I understood that if I was not willing to take responsibility for myself, I had no power to change it, and I would continue creating myself as a victim. As a result, I decided to take that responsibility, and would unblock, from my heart, anything that prevented me from becoming a consciously creator being, one connected directly to that Godself within me.

I needed some time to cool off, to get my life 'back to normal'. Then, in June of 2013, I resumed my sessions with Arn, to find any insight on what blocks I had created. I've been told be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. In my case, I 'got it' in spades - perception into horrifying, yet amazingly powerful past lives that produced profound blockages, along with insight that produced the keys to heal them.

While they seemed like separate stories, I later found out that they formed a much more complex, terrifying, yet awesome picture of my soul and its journey. The details revealed themselves to me the follow year during my Soul Awakening excursion. Furthermore, unlike the dreams I had that may or may not have accounted for past lives, I held (and still hold) very little doubt about the validity of these others. What transpired in them has carried over into my current life and has shaped a lot of my personality. Even if the lives themselves are not real, the healing most certainly is.

I invite you to read more about my spiritual journey and the amazing soul awakening I've been blessed to experience.

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