Note: This was originally written and updated in 2014.
This is the story of a little soul, a being, a seed among countless others. One that had been happy, content, and felt that God loved him. Then, it experienced a betrayal (or two) by what it thought was God, a betrayal so absolute that it caused it immeasurable pain and suffering, severing itself from its divine nature.
It determined that God hated it with so much passion, that instead of destroying it and giving the seed relief from its pain, God exiled it, condemning it to forever wallow in misery. It was as if all the seeds existed in a beanbag belonging to God, and this deity pinched it off, so that this seed was alone, separated from the mass of other seeds. This mass God loved and revered, and this other seed, He reviled.
So the little seed's jealousy of these other seeds grew to immense proportions. Seeing these innocent creatures laugh and play, and filled with so much love fueled its hate. How dare they be innocent? How dare they be so happy and carefree and full of love? When these other seeds found their way to it, offering their love and kindness, the little seed realized their vulnerability and devised a devilish plan to get back at God. If He loved these seeds so much, what better way to punish him than by making his pet creations suffer just as much, if not more, as it had?
"Little soul, you want to come to me for love and support?" it said, "come on. I will be so kind at first so that you trust me, and then, perhaps, little by little, I will whittle away your innocence, and your love for life and God. And as I do, I will gleefully watch your love wither away and die, and your happiness and innocence destroyed, leaving only anger, hopelessness, and agony. You'll reach out to God for help, but you came to me seeking love, so I will show you that God doesn't give a fuck about you, that you are worthless. I will feed off your suffering. I will teach you never to love. Only to hate. And once I've sucked every bit of light from you that I can, I will dispose of you. Toss you away like trash to fend for yourself in the darkness."
This seed created itself as a monster, born out of the deepest depths of darkness, armed with the most cruel intentions. The very definition of evil.
This seed is a part of me. My entire life, I've carried this monster with me. For brief seconds, I am sometimes whisked away into its cruel realities in my mind, experiencing the suffering that would come from such actions.
In other lives, such as the one with the murdered eight year-old boy, I had actually become that monster, feeding off the yelps of pain, the cries of suffering, the look of horror on the faces. I felt its satisfaction as it devoured the agony of my victims. How wonderful it felt. How delicious the cries. The cruelty a true work of art.
But thanks to those lives, I realized, that this 'synergy', this 'cooperation' between me and the monster has a cruel twist. Because I know that, at some point, I would be the recipient of all the suffering that these acts produce. I would come to experience their full effects, perhaps not the physical or emotional pain, but the suffering...with the knowledge and complete understanding of what I had done made known to me.
And at that point, while I am screaming out in my own agony, unable to remove from my mind the acts that I've done and the suffering that I've caused, this monster will feed off me, laughing at me, becoming the worst enemy imaginable. Because, in truth, this monster hates me. It despises me. Hates being a part of me.
For decades, I was completely unaware of this seed's existence, yet hating myself for having these thoughts and urges. I believed something was wrong with me, scared that I might become that monster, despite my strong heart keeping me from really falling pray to it. I had never, ever talked about this to anyone, but even when I did, I didn't spend too much time on it because I was so afraid and ashamed of that monster.
A few months before my Soul Awakening journey, they became more prominent in my mind. With all the work I had previously done to face my blockages, I understood that this aspect of myself needed my attention and was crying for my help, and needed to be addressed with love and without fear.
So, in February of 2014, I booked a session with Arn, my spiritual healer, to assist me in the process. At the beginning of our session, after I told Arn what I wished to discuss, he admitted that, before our session began, he did a meditation where he reached out to the greatest part of me. On the way, he passed a huge, pained, hairy giant of a monster. Yet beyond it, he said, he experienced me as an expanded being, larger than a galaxy. So, he had a head's up on what I would be talking about and where it might lead.
At first, I did not know about this little seed within me. All I knew was the monster. And the monster had sensed that I was evolving, turning towards Love, towards healing, and away from the hate it had been tempting me with. This meant it couldn't feed off me. It was going to die. That's when I realized the monster wasn't real. It was actually an illusion, a transparent being created out of immense agony by what was real: the little, hurt seed hiding inside of it.
When I saw the seed, I immediately felt love for it. I saw how hurt it was. How much in pain it was. Like a hurt child. And I understood why it created the monster and how it lost its true identity by pretending to be it. This love I had for the seed served as a reminder to it of its true identity, giving the seed the power back to replace the monster with anything it desired. My realization of this seed meant that the association between it and monster had begun to dissolve.
I asked Arn what he thought my next steps should be. He suggested to put this seed into my heart, surround it with love and invite it to talk to me, to tell me and show me all of its experiences, all of its pains and agony, like a child would do when waking up from a nightmare and having a loving guardian there for comfort.
What I also realized is that I cannot exist without this seed. This seed is me, just as much as I am it. So this illusory god reviling it only serves to keep me separated from all that I am, and therefore keeping me from expanding, reaching enlightenment, and moving on.
I chose right then, instead, to revere this aspect of me, and give it gratitude for all of its experiences, because they are now a part of me, and I can use them in great service to others. This little seed has brought me a wonderful gift - that of compassion. For as I learn to see the seed within myself, and not be fooled by the illusory monster, so can I do the same for other people, understanding that their monsters are not who they truly are. And that somewhere within them lies a hurt being, a little seed.
I am forever grateful for this seed's trust in me, for allowing me to see it for what it is, beyond the monster. For revealing its extremely vulnerable nature, and for allowing me to help it heal.
This seed became the main focus of my Soul Awakening journey, where its origin became known to me, and set me on the path to fully accepting and loving it as my own creation, and removing the terror from it.